How Depression and Anxiety Affected my Emotional Wellbeing

Realizing my Life was a Train Wreck my Health and Wellbeing was a Disaster 

by Jim Rial

Realizing my life was a train wreck was the best thing that ever happened to me. I have always had big ideas and plans for the future, but anxiety and depression constantly held me back. Creating my own blog was sitting on the back burner for several years. Coming up with an idea for content was not very easy for me and although I do like writing; I realize that my grammar may leave little to be desired. As a new blogger, I promise to do my best at making sense of every piece I put together and over time hope to develop better writing skills. I am just hoping my realizations and strategies can help someone else's emotional wellbeing as they have helped me. The biggest thing was just realizing my problems, accepting them, and knowing I needed some serious work on my health and wellbeing.

Three years ago, I had an epiphany, laying on my couch watching a movie and vaping weed, as usual, probably munching on a bunch of sweets and horribly unhealthy snacks. It was a rare occasion, I happened to be home alone. So, I decided to get up and take a shower and for some reason just stood there gazing at myself in the mirror, I was horrified at what I was seeing. The first thing I saw was that I was horribly out of shape. I even had “man boobs”. I was in shock at my appearance, I had no idea I let this happen to myself. 


This very moment started the wheels turning inside my head. I just could not stop the thoughts from coming, it was like a freight train barreling out of control. I started obsessively thinking about every aspect of my life, my health and wellbeing, my age, and my financial situation. I realized that I was not getting any younger, and my life was just crashing around me like one big train wreck. I mean here I am a father of two six-year old’s, still renting a home, living check to check, a credit score barely making three digits, and no plan for the future. How far has anxiety caused my life to spiral out of control? All the signs of stress and anxiety were there. I couldn't cope with stress unless I was high as a kite. I needed to gain back control of my emotional wellbeing. 

I mean, growing up my parents were not as tough as they probably should have been on me when it came to my education. Neither one of my parents was a college graduate and when it came to school all they required was a passing grade. In fact, my father used to preach about how dumb college was and how much of a waste of time it was getting a degree. So, I guess I only gave it enough effort just to skate by. I had nobody around me who would encourage or motivate me to do better. As a young man in my teens, I was obsessed with both cars and computers. I think my first real hobby interest came to me when my parents bought me a home computer which was on my Christmas gift list one year. It was the Commodore Vic 20 and oh, what a machine this was for the time. I can still remember the smell of fresh solder opening the box and removing the components. I hacked away on this thing for hours almost every day, learning to program, connecting on BBS systems, and playing some of the coolest games of the time. As time went on and I got a bit older another interest began brewing, probably sometime around fifteen or so. It was the love of my life that had also become the pin-up collection on the walls of my bedroom. All I could think about was owning a 1969 Camaro. This was and still is the car of my dreams. When I turned 16 my father was somehow able to make this happen, and I ended up with one in my garage. Although that’s a story for another day, It was very exciting to see my dream come true. My father somehow found the car of my dreams one day on his way home from work. It was a rusted basket case sitting on the side of some old dingy body shop. As ugly as this thing was, I was still excited to see this thing of beauty (in my eyes) residing in my parents’ driveway. OK, beauty might be taking it a bit far. I have always been able to look at an object and visualize what it could become. I was also born with a very strong mechanical aptitude. From a very young age, I was always able to take things apart and put them back together easily.



However, this car needed more work than you could shake a stick at, and I loved every minute of it. The high school I attended was a trade school. I attended regular academic courses half day and the other half in my trade of choice. Although Auto mechanics wasn’t my first career choice, the first year I spent doing electricity because that’s where I was convinced, I needed to be going, but that Camaro changed my path. I knew deep in my heart that I wanted to be a mechanic. I was born with gasoline coursing through my veins and by the time I was seventeen, I had already built my first engine and had that Camaro smoking the tires at every red light.



Over time though, one thing led to another, I sort of gave up on cars and let myself once again be convinced that a computer career was the thing I needed to be doing. After working several years in a few garages and getting involved with girls. I just made a lot of bad choices. By now the Camaro had been sold (a huge mistake), I worked odd job after odd job and found temp work through agencies not really having any direct path. I could never just figure out what I needed to be doing and I easily got bored with everything I tried. Eventually, I ended up in the Army National Guard and finally onto a tech school for Systems and Network Administration. At first, I really loved my career, I was dedicated and spent all my time learning and becoming the best I could be. Although, I was never really happy at just one job though. I loved my career, I just couldn’t sit still very long because I got bored, moving from place to place looking for bigger and better challenges as well as more pay obviously. Eventually, I did end up staying at one place for about four or five years making a decent living because I moved with my girlfriend to Florida. We lived great for a few years and enjoyed life and the beaches as often as possible. I was actually very happy with my life, I loved living in Florida. We made a bunch of friends to spend our weekends hanging out and having fun. We were on cloud nine and life seemed to be going very, very well. My emotional wellbeing was rock solid at this point. Yeah, we had a few ups and downs over the course, but nothing we couldn't work through. Let's face it, life isn't all candy and rainbows. 



I have always been a little different compared from those around me. I always considered myself a sort of a late bloomer, I spent a lot of my life procrastinating and making poor choices. I don’t know if anxiety played a role or if I have ADHD really bad, but maintaining focus and direction was not my strong suit. My life and career really didn’t take off until my early thirties. But now, I was on top of the world in the IT field and I was somewhat successful. My employers trusted my expertise, I was kind of the go-to guy for all things computer-related. I spent several years honing my skills and have been doing what I do in the IT field for eighteen years now and I was very good at it. My career was going great in the early days. Eventually, the girl I moved away with to Florida, we got engaged, and eventually, we got married. It seems that just as we were starting to settle and started thinking about purchasing a home in Florida. Out of the blue, the next stage of our life happened. If you guessed kids, that's right! My wife was suddenly pregnant, and not only did we have one child on the way, but during the first sonogram it was determined that we had a second little bundle of joy brewing. Not exactly what I had been envisioning just yet, but OK, I got this right!? Well, that was easier said than done. Here comes the roller coaster ride for my emotional wellbeing.



Since I was so heavily focused on my career at the time my kids were born. I never really thought about actually being a father but now it was happening. I was now the father of twin baby girls. Still think I could handle it and we would be alright. I felt like we had this all under control. I was never so wrong. In fact, when they were first born, I was a complete wreck. The amount of sleep deprivation you go through would drive anyone insane. I had absolutely no idea what to do, I just wanted to make it stop. I was frustrated, angry, scared and so many more emotions kept creeping up on me. I had absolutely no idea what to do. I’ve never even held a baby let alone raise one. Because we were living in Florida, we had friends but no family and absolutely no help for us. My wife and I both had our careers but how do we afford childcare, which is very expensive, right? We made a livable income, but this was just something we were not prepared for financially. I mean you now have diapers and formula to buy on top of medical expenses and ultimately daycare. I eventually made the drastic and erratic decision to relocate the family back to Erie, Pennsylvania where we originated. I clearly just wasn’t thinking and this is where my life started to unravel. Sleep deprivation will destroy your emotional wellbeing in the blink of an eye because that's about all you'll get for sleep. I was drastically feeling out of control with my anxiety and not having help just sent me over the edge. Although this seemed like the best decision at the time, thinking back on it now, I one-hundred percent regret the decision I made to come back to this place. Running away and not just accepting the challenge will forever be my biggest mistake. I used to think selling my 1969 Camaro was the biggest mistake but growing up you eventually make even bigger ones.



I uprooted our lives to head back to our hometown of Erie, Pennsylvania. I guess I forgot why I left this miserable city in the first place. After spending several years living in Florida and being happy and on top of the world, before kids were ever a thought in my mind. I should have had more self-control and worked harder at life where I was living. The anxiety just got the better of me and I started thinking that maybe having lots of families around to help was going to be the answer. First of all, my in-laws are the only family that helps. My family proved to be completely useless. They barely even know my kids. So, yes, it does help, but at the cost of your happiness. I still think today that If I would have just had a small amount of sleep and possibly talked to someone comforting and knowledgeable, I would have been able to make a more rational decision. Knowing that my family is completely useless with zero help from them, my in-laws were helpful but they are the most judgmental and emotionally detached people I have ever met. They are just miserable to be around and were no help in keeping my emotional wellbeing in check. By this point, I went down a spiral sending our life completely out of control. One job after the next, another stint in Florida before losing my job there again and having to come back yet again, and this time I was in an even bigger mess both mentally and financially. We ended up staying at my in-laws’ home in the basement until we could finally get back on our feet. Living with the in-laws was as if I died and gone to hell. I did this to us, I made this bed and now we all had to sleep in it.



It took some time, but eventually, we did get back on solid ground, but life just wasn’t the same. I was still miserable and depressed all of the time. Although, this time I have been at the same job in Erie for over five years going on six. You know how they always say the grass isn’t greener, well it’s not. I had so many good jobs that would have eventually panned out and made good places to retire. Now that I finally got a grip, I am in the worst job of my life. My career is all but ruined. I’m supposed to be a professional IT guy and was supposed to be hired based on my experience or so I thought, however, this is not anywhere near the job of my dreams. I left so many better jobs I could kick my own ass every time I think about the stupidity. I now work for this micromanaging nutjob of a boss. He does all the technical work I am experienced in doing because he's a control freak. Even if he lets you do anything, it just becomes a headache because you did it wrong and it's never his way. I have been in this field a long time and I am now treated like a child and given all kinds of shit details completely unrelated to my experience. I feel like my job is hell and the gates open at eight o’clock in the morning and re-open to go home at 5 o’clock in the evening. I just try my best to stay under the radar and avoid the devil at all costs. I don’t do anything related to a single word I typed on my resume. I now spend most of my days running cables and terminating connections. A monkey could do what I do daily and would probably earn more for doing it. Now that my career at this point is completely ruined due to my stupid decision to leave Florida. I am now stuck working for this lunatic IT micromanager being held back as much as possible so that he can look like a hero. The thing that really gets me is that his mental problems are blatantly apparent and nobody else in management at this company even questions him. It’s obvious he is very insecure and has a severe personality disorder. Working for a micromanager is exhausting. I have just grown weary of this job and burned out in this line of work entirely. Over the last few years, I have lost track of technology and now just long for the day I can retire and put this behind me. I have been thinking about jumping ship since the second week of my almost six-year tenure because of the area, we live in. I can never find any opportunities to make a change. Hell, I have even considered a pay cut just to get out of this madhouse. I get paid somewhat OK, but not enough to be living comfortably, just enough to make jumping ship difficult. Opportunities come along far and few between, but I am either overqualified or the pay is so minuscule that changing would severely impact our lifestyle.



Life should not be this miserable and at some point, you must find some light at the end of the tunnel. Over the last couple of years, I have made many small changes to my and my family’s life. I have figured out some ways to help ease the pain from the misery and dealing with this awful job, living in Erie, dealing with anxiety from our finances, and starting to try and rekindle some happy feelings. I have learned to take control over certain aspects of my life including my finances to at least to be somewhat happy and stress-free. However, I do not plan to stop where I am now or anytime soon. I plan to continue working at it, and somedays it’s a struggle believe me, but I refuse to let the anxiety that created this nightmare beat me. The only way to beat this misery is to get my emotional wellbeing in check.


Right now, I am currently still working the same miserable job with the same psychotic micromanaging boss. I plan to cover the changes I have already made over the last couple of years and the steps I took to get there through this blog, I plan to make many more changes to my life, and I will be documenting my successes and my failures. So, for now, I will be sticking with my horrible and moderate-paying job while seeking other means to fulfill my life and make positive changes. I will explain in detail the processes I took, and my methods and write about the daily activities that have made my life much more fruitful. Although I still encounter challenges here and there, I am now better equipped to face them. I hope that by writing about my life, I have somehow engaged others in my boat, and I will continue adding content regarding all the steps I have taken to at least dig myself out from this rabbit hole I fell into. I will also include other fun reads in this blog that I feel are relevant and can be useful to help you the reader get yourself motivated. Stay tuned.